Time for a little expression.
I’ve been alone for over a year now, by which I mean single, not entirely alone. I have a few friends I spend quite a bit of time with, who help keep me involved and sane. This time “alone” has been a mixture of my choice of avoiding most situations one might meet a partner and lack of interaction when I do find myself in them. The reason I behave this way I cannot entirely explain. I find myself engaging in compulsive and thoughtless chatter when comfortable with friends and painfully introverted in “social” situations. Now, when I find myself turning inward during times of discomfort I just cannot find anything to say. No words are even thought let alone spoken. It’s almost as if my brain just doesn’t want to have that happiness. That happiness so easily achieved just by having simple conversations with peers. As though my subconscious would rather prolong and savour the discomfort rather then starting a simple conversation in an attempt to become at ease. I can see myself as I’m doing this, my brain entirely focused on myself and how I may be thought of, rather then thinking of things to say to the people around me. Try as I may, no words come, as though some unforeseen force holds me back. Although it seems much to easy and cowardly to blame it on anything other then fear. Nevertheless, that is the way I feel.